Stay A Breaking Dawn Virgin

(And say no to random imprinting and "vamp"-y weddings.)
I'm sure you're all aware of the Twilight fanfare of late. Whether you've read the books, watched the movie, done both or neither, you're probably painfully aware of a little emoteen called Isabella "plzcallmebellakaythnxbai" Swan and a rainy, suitably emo town called Forks, Washington, where vampires exist, werewolves are hot (literally and figuratively) and a girl named Angela Weber may or may not be a witch.

The Twilight saga (four books in total: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, in order) has spawned more merchandise than anyone can count, including apparel, companion novels, and even (the Apocalypse is totally coming - prepare yourself) Edward Cullen action figures. I've seen the movie twice so far and have plans to see it two more times at least.

Why, you ask? And the answer isn't simple in the least. No, it's not because I love the movie to death, the actors, the director (Catherine Hardwick for the record - Thirteen was okay, but I'll never watch Lords of Dogtown of my own accord) and, Lord knows, not the screenplay.

It's because of the guys.

Oh, yes.

I went there.

I'll start with Edward. Oh, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. You drive so many girls crazy. Most of them are a good ten years younger than you. Or, of course, a good twenty years older than you. Except you're really a hundred and eighteen years old, so... Maybe you're the cougar? Maybe you're the one robbing the cradle, Eddie? He's handsome, glorious, sparkling, and the like. But no need to remind you of that. Stephenie's already done that on every page of her wordy, 500-plus-page love children.

Of my personal trifecta of Twilight loves, Edward comes in at a respectable third. I've got to hand it to Mrs. Meyer - she's made stalking the ultimate sign of love and made teenage girls all across the globe wish their boyfriends would suck their blood (or at the very least: watch them while they sleep; is that really too much to ask for?). And yet - I don't honestly like Edward. And you have to like a character before you can fictionally love them, right? He's every romance cliche rolled into one. He's too perfect. And his relationship with Bella is more the stuff of fantasy than any of the vampire lore.

Now, onto the underdog, Jacob Black. Poor guy/werewolf/ugh. Never really had a chance. Just a secondary character that got whipped into the summary for Book Two because ooh! Edward got a flaw (except he ripped said flaw from an overachiever's college app.: too loving)!

I adore Jacob. He's snarky, he's gorgeous, he's hot (literally - Jake's a werewolf and his skin/fur/whatever is burning up) and he is full of awesome quotes of awesomeness. Namely, "I was the natural path your [Bella's] life would've taken." [See also: ECLIPSE TENT SCENE. Sexual frustration, much?] Too true. Frankly, I think Jake's too good for her. Except my little shippy heart broke into a bazillion tiny pieces when I read the horrible parodical thing that is "Breaking Dawn." Perhaps you've heard of it?

(The spoilers I was talkin' bout? Yeah, RIGHT NOW.)

(FOR SERIOUS.)

(SKIP THE ITALICS SECTION IF YOU'RE A BD VIRGIN!)

Jacob imprints on Belldward's (yeah; I just made up that couple's name; you likey?; okay, the semi-colon abuse ends...here;) vampire-human hybrid baby called Renesmee Carlie Cullen.

(Dunzo with the spoilers.)

So. If I'm not Team Edward or (really) Team Jacob, then which 'TwiTeam' AM I on...?

Dramatic build-up.

Dun-dun-dun.

Team Mike Newton.